May 14, 2017

ISO Friends

To all who enter here:

If you're reading this, you might truly be a friend, or you might just be nosy. Maybe you're hoping that I am struggling, so that you can use my misery to boost your sense of self-worth. There's always someone worse off, right? Or maybe you're just a creeper... But then maybe you are here because you find me to be a mysterious person. Maybe my posts make you laugh. Maybe you think I'm cute. Or maybe you searched something really strange such as "how to overcome disturbing bubble gum dreams" and you were redirected to my blog. Well, who knows? So many options. BUT, since you are taking the time to actually visit my blog and read this, I'm going to assume you genuinely care about me- because after all, thinking otherwise would be destructive both to myself and you. Trust me, I have years of experience in self-loathing and trying to figure out other people's motives.

Anywho...

I always thought taking a break from Facebook was cliche. It probably is. But I have decided I will try it. To what extent, I don't know. I'm not making any official rules on it. It may not last long, and it may not even be worth it in the end, but I won't know until I try it. I typically find Facebook to be a positive, fun experience most of the time. I like seeing what people are up to. I like being able to keep in touch with people all over the place so easily. I enjoy the fake news, the memes, the satire. I am even entertained by some of the juicy gossip, drama, and pro-level trolling at times. I learn a lot from some of the groups I am part of, and I enjoy being able to chat with people with similar interests. However, something is missing. I absolutely do consider my Facebook friends to be real friends. But I am hurting... Outside of Facebook, who do I have? A simple "like" or emoji response is not much of a commitment. Shoot, I could make angry faces at the president all day, with hardly any effort. But friends, I want something deeper. I really do appreciate those of you who interact with me on social media. But I need a few more loyal friends in my daily life... Someone who will pray for me, or even better, with me, as awkward is it may be. Someone I can call when my day sucks, and not feel like I am being a burden or an annoyance, or a royal PITA. To be fair, I'm not made of royalty, so I've only ever been an ordinary PITA. Someone to share by hopes, dreams, and joys with. Someone who really wants to know me beyond the silly stuff I post on Facebook. I put a lot out there, but I do have restraint, and believe it or not, there is a lot more to me than just fuzzy pets, crude humor, and sarcasm. I need someone that believes that my life is valuable, and that supports me in whatever I choose to do. I'm in no ways asking for a husband, or a partner. Just a few friends. Oh, and I need more than one, so that nobody dies of suffocation.

I want you to be more than a Facebook friend. I probably get accused of putting on a mask at times, but if you care to get to know me, I am not the typical superficial person you are thinking of. I will tell you when I am upset. I am honest, even when it's not all rainbows and butterflies. I don't have so much pride that I won't apologize or ask for forgiveness if I hurt you. I am yearning for relationship. I don't know where to turn. School doesn't seem to be the answer, the Church unfortunately doesn't seem to be the place to fulfill this need, I'm not into the bar scene, and the gym is not looking hopeful either. I am an introvert, and I am independent, so I tend to keep only a few close friends. I am also single, mostly by choice, but also for some other personal reasons. Living the single life makes having a few friends on hand entirely necessary. Right now, the closest friends I have are my dog, my parents, and Jesus. As wonderful as they all are are, they need a break.

What I'm saying is this: I enjoy your likes, posts, and comments. But I need you in my life outside of social media. Send me an e-mail. Snail mail is always welcomed! Send me a text, or even dare to call me. Go have coffee with me. Come take a walk with me. Loneliness is a huge risk factor in my life... I am trying to figure out who is really there for me. Basically having been born with NAIVE written across my forehead, followed by years of being extremely ill, it has been so painful to come to the realization that some people are bullies, some people are fakes, that your family doesn't always have your back, and worst of all, that some people you admire and love just aren't very interested in friendship, for various reasons. I want to be a part of the goodness in my friends' life, but my insecurites paired with regular doses of painful reality is making me question everything and everyone, including myself. Who are my friends? There are a few that are unquestionable, but I know a lot of really wonderful people that I'd love to know more... Honestly, my idea of a best friend could simply be someone to hang out together with in public and ignore, and one that is available to talk about, well, life... My head is constantly clogged with thoughts and ideas. It is healthy (and advisable) to keep some of them to myself, but there are others I need share... Because I'm human. And humans live for relationships. (And food, but I am doing good with that one.)

Lastly, I often get passed off as irrational, crazy, and fill in the blank with whatever mental illness you think is cute to joke about. I will not even try to deny being a sensitive person, but please do not dismiss all of my feelings as a result of my own insecurities. Some of them are completely justifiable. I'm not looking for anyone to make me feel important or include me in things because you feel sorry for me. I don't need that. I need you to be my friend. I need you to be honest. I need you to be supportive.

I need you to be real.

So, that's what's up. If you have any questions, feel free to contact ME, Sarah. Any information obtained elsewhere cannot be 100% guaranteed.

Thank you.

Sarah